On "owning" my flaws and struggles and mistakes

Self awareness is necessary—but not sufficient

In recent years I’ve obsessed over “owning” my flaws. If I point out my inconsistencies and annoyances and downright ugliness before anyone else gets the chance to, those traits can’t hurt me, right? If I know who I am and what I struggle with, I’ll be immune to the world’s criticism. I might even look like a Super Stand-Up Mature Role Model of Vulnerability and Authenticity—and if I look like that to others, I can pretend more easily to myself (and thus resist the impetus to actually improve).

This has worked, sort of. But it’s not enough.

It’s not enough to just know I struggle with something. It’s not enough to acknowledge it publicly. It is not, even, enough to plainly tell people my baggage might mar our interactions (“but I’m getting out ahead of it, so like, you can’t blame me in a month”).

In college I had a brief relationship with a guy who warned me from day one that he couldn’t commit. He felt stating this at the beginning of our time together absolved him of responsibility. H…